Five Facebook Friends We Could Live Without
by: Tennille Shelley
- The Over-Sharer
We get it. You love your cat. We don’t need to hear that today your cat chased a piece of lint across the floor, climbed up your curtains, knocked over your grandmother’s collection of kitschy indoor garden gnomes and is now napping happily on top of your kitchen counter – in 5 separate status updates. This goes for your children too. If little Johnny has a stuffy nose followed by his first bath in days and has taken up the annoying habit of repeating literally everything you say and you’re tired of hearing about it, we probably are too. Also, personal business should probably stay personal. The over-sharer is always the friend who posts their entire life on Facebook then complains about people “being all up in their business”.
- The everything is wrong with the World Friend
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an occasional bad day, but this friend guarantees that every post they grace us with is an instant trip to Negative Town. With constant posts about their latest tragedy, these fun sucking status updates are usually filled with hatred toward whatever is annoying them at the moment. “I woke up this morning and I still have a jerk for a boss, I stubbed my toe, now I’m going back to bed.” As we all learned in the movie Wedding Crashers, sitting in the corner and sulking draws attention to you in a negative way. Chin up buttercup, all will be well in the morning.
- The Self-Deprecating No One Loves Me Friend
I think we can all agree that we are completely over the “this will be a short experiment since no one reads my wall” meme. If you need me to post one word about how we met, then I probably don’t need to be on your list of “friends”. Let’s be honest, you’re posting this to be reminded of how you know me in the first place, and if I scroll past it, it’s probably because I can’t remember our first meeting either. Facebook is mostly about kitten pictures and sunshine, let’s save the self-hatred issues for therapy.
- The If This Doesn’t Make You Feel Guilty, You Have No Soul Friend
Tragedy is a real thing. So are people’s religious beliefs. Scrolling past a meme that tells me I am going to burn in the hot fires of Hades if I don’t share it doesn’t give me the guilt trip you’re looking for, it just makes me scroll to the next cute kitten photo. Did you know that gazillions of Alpacas are sold into slavery every year? Share this photo to raise awareness of this growing epidemic. Please. Stop. I Mean It.
- The Share This Photo in 5 Minutes For a Financial Windfall from Heaven Friend
Seriously? Chain letters haven’t been a thing for at least a decade and yet they have found their way onto my News Feed every single day. Usually a poorly made meme with irritating font face over a photo of stacks of cash, the promise is that when shared, this meme will guarantee riches in the next two days after you close your eyes, make a wish, blink twice, scroll to the bottom and look at the clock at exactly 3:33. Maybe the lucky recipients of all of this cash are keeping it a secret, but I can say with absolute certainty it has never been me Stay classy my friends, let’s keep sharing the goat for no reason along with photos of our “epic” lunch.